Character Description

In class Ms Squires asked us to practise our character descriptions, so she asked us to edit a example she wrote.  Below is the original.

Ella looked at the names on the board. She turned around looking happy and said that her name was on the board. She had made it into the team.

Ella was really good at netball. She was very fit and coordinated and always represented the school in just about every sport possible. But she also lacked confidence in her abilities so was surprised to see her name there at the top of the list.

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My edit:

Ella looked at the board, her light blue eyes widened.  Her dark brown hair flicked around as she turned to me,”My name’s on the board, I am in the team!” As she came towards me she stared at me with both excitement and in shock. Grinning she was astounded that her name was at the top of the list.

Ella was really good when it came to Netball. She was very fit and coordinated, always representing  the school in just about every sport possible. The only problem was Ella didn’t believe in herself and lacked confidence in her abilities. She was capable of doing anything, but all she needed to do was believe in herself and have faith that she could do it.